The pool is closing for the summer!

Our first school year in Nassau is coming to a close. The first hurricane of the season, Alberto, is launching the new storm season. The first grandson is packing up his equipment and getting ready to live near his Grandpa. The pool is closing for the summer and the Pool Boy is signing off.

It has been a very enjoyable year living in the land of perpetual sun and blue skies. We have enjoyed the pace of life and the laid back life style of the Bahamas. It is time to return to Our Home and Native Land for a few weeks to touch base with family and friends and begin to incubate some new ideas and adventures for the future.

I think my three regular readers have now dwindled to two, as the Displaced Princess has become a member of the country club and is too busy to blog. It doesn’t matter, I have enjoyed trying to capture some of the daily or regular events that hopefully have given you a taste of living in the Caribbean.

The Pool Boy may be back on the blog site in September, and maybe not. Enjoy your summer, your friends, your blessings and your health. Life is a wonderful adventure! Live it to the max!

Sincere Apologies - I missed a few!

My last blog entry highlighted the rather large number of beauty pageants that seem to have evolved in the Bahamas.

I must apologize! Since that entry, two days ago, I have encountered five more pageants that were advertised on the local television, community service channel. I hope you will forgive the unintentional oversight.

Young females in the Bahamas are invited to participate in:

-Miss Teen Bahamas World (13 -19 years old)

-1st Theodore Elyett’s Beauty and Scholarship Pageant ( I have no idea what that means)

-Miss Teen and Little Miss Pinewood Beauty Pageant ( a community venture)

-Little Miss Grand Bahama Universe (Is ‘universe’ bigger than ‘world’?)

-Miss Teen Bahama International Beauty Pageant. (ho hum)

I shall continue to scour the media in order to keep both of my readers up to date on the beauty pageant scene. Can the Miss Bahama Angelina Jolie-Pitt Look Alike Pageant be far behind?

Get ready, the “Curvy Revolution” is coming!

Bahamians do not appear to have a lot to do. As a result, they have to invent creative ways to spend their time. One of their most obvious inventions is the endless variety and number of beauty pageants

Earlier, I described the wonders of the Little Miss Radiant Bahamas Pageant for girls seven to twelve years old. It is a competition designed for little girls to dress up and look cute, with no other visible purpose. Perhaps it might be considered a prerequisite for entering the Miss Teen Bahamas contest when they reach their pubescent years. And natural progression would then lead them to consider vying for the Miss Bahamas title for girls 18 to 21. A truly noble aspiration and worthy of hours and hours of primping and self adulation.

I am pleased to report that the Bahamians have extended the beauty pageant contest to new heights (or should I say widths). This year the Ms Full-figured Bahamas Pageant has been initiated . The pageant’s mission is “not only to inspire and empower the full-figured woman, but also to properly and positively represent this demographic and to lead the way in the Bahamas in “The Curvy Revolution.” Candidates must be size 12 or larger, single or married and between 18 -35. I am pleased to be able to inform the rest of the western world of the impending revolution and encourage the purchase of stock in clothing companies catering to the full-figured revolutionary

And the best news of all, is that the number of contests does not end there. Due to popular demand, another category of full-figured women, from age 36-50, has been added. Not only will full figures be featured, but wrinkles, sagging body parts and graying hair will also be on view. I am not sure whether this category will utilize the swim suit competition or replace it with a Hawaiian moo-moo or house dress and slippers segment. We can only hope!

The next step in this major Bahamian evolutionary process is fairly obvious. I am proposing the Ms Well Preserved Bahamas Pageant be initiated immediately. The competition would be open to any woman over 50 years old, married or single, who is capable of walking unassisted and still possesses her own teeth and hair. Contestants would be judged on their degree of continence, ability to identify their children by name and a subjective category called the drool factor. Applications would be obtained at any health care facility, hospital or pharmacy in the islands.

I think that the Bahamians have only scratched the surface in the beauty pageant market. I am anticipating competitions soon for the dearly departed on their final journey. At the other end of the spectrum I can already hear the one to six year olds crying, “What about me?” Is it possible to conduct an “Inside the Womb” pageant or the “Most Ravishing Egg” extravaganza? With modern science anything is possible.

I have to go now, as I must get my application in for the “Retired, Demented and Unproductive Geezer” Contest before entries close!

PS. Today I just passed a sign that was advertising the Ms. Liturgical Dance Bahamas. I told you there was no end in sight!

20 Ways Fa Ya Ta Know Ya Is Bahamian Is When:

- Ya older dan ya uncle or aunt.

- Ya Mummy still holdin ya passport and ya 33 years old.

- Ya say current instead of electricity.

- Ya start shopping for hurricane supplies the day before the hurricane.

- Ya point wit ya lips.

- Ya refer to people as boss or chief.

- Ya refer to the lunch lady at school as Mum.

- Ya call Coca-Cola, coke soda, and everything else sweet soda.

- Ya say 'reverse back'.

- Ya use da word 'destroyful'.

- Ya buy food from a place called 'Dirty's' and go dancing in a place called 'da Zoo'.

- Ya MP have more case in court dan you.

- Ya start off gossiping wit 'chile guess wha'.

- Ya call all dishwashing liquid 'Joy' and all washing detergent 'Tide'.

- Ya put dettol in da water da bade wit.

- Ya grammy is clean house in pulled up slip or night dress.

- Ya best comeback in an argument is 'You like man hey'.

- You get outta ya bed at 1am ta watch junkanoo, but can't get ta work fer 9am.

- Ya go to da beach, not to swim but just wet ya foot.

- Ya go Miami evy month but have neva visited another Bahamian island.

( Borrowed from a Bahamian friend, with appreciation )

HELP WANTED! - Bahama's Style

A lot of people would like to live in the Caribbean. But first, you need to find a job. The local TV station has a community page which advertises jobs on a regular basis. It also helps to provide some perspective on the nature of the local economy.

Yesterday I found four job offers that I thought were quite interesting . If you are a gardener/ handyman you can find employment in Nassau for $150/wk. Not a lot of money, but the weather makes up for it and you can grow almost anything with very little effort. If you are willing to travel to live on the outer island of Abaco, you can make $250/wk.

One step up on the employment scale are teaching jobs, for the remarkably generous salary of $300/ wk. I am assuming these jobs are in local public schools or small day cares or kindergarten schools. But at those high salaries the list of applicants will probably be negligible.

If you are not interested in teaching children but prefer dolphins, there is an advertisement for a dolphin trainer/ consultant paying $500 per week. No one is asking why this job is better paying than teaching school, but the message is clear. I am not sure what consulting in the dolphin world means, but how hard can it be to offer advice to a dolphin?

My favorite advertisement was for a sushi chef in a local restaurant. It pays $650 a week and you don’t have to deal with live kids or live dolphins. You only need to work with raw fish and sea weed. And at twice the pay of a school teacher I am sure it will attract dozens of applications. Probably every teacher on the island will be reading a “ How to Make Sushi” Book while they are standing in the interview line.

For those of you contemplating a new second career, start thinking outside of the box. The teaching profession may soon become obsolete!
A sushi chef who can train dolphins and do yard work on the side, can earn over $1300 per week. Be creative!

His Royal Sawyerness - ONE year old!

The Story of the Two Little Pigs

Once upon a time, there were two little pigs. These two little animals were a part of a Bahamian high school Agricultural program. The course was designed to teach students the theoretical and practical aspects of raising pigs as a commercial venture.

Our two little piggies lived on campus and were tended to and fed by the students over a period of four months. During that time our little 25 pound piglets grew into 170 pound porkers. A truly significant indication of the success of the program.

Alas, one of the final aspects of the program was the slaughtering and butchering portion of the course. Our two beloved specimens were ticketed for their last walk, that ultimately led to the supermarket freezer section.

But wait. The local Humane Society raised an objection to the means of killing the hogs. The head of the Society expressed her view that, “animals that are going to be slaughtered for food consumption had the same rights as companion animals and if they were going to be killed it had to be done humanely.”

Hence our two little swine were spared, to live one more day. A licensed official from the Department of Agriculture was co opted to perform the appropriate procedure. Our two little mascots are now showcased at the local City Supermarket in the spareribs, bacon, and ham section.

For the first time since we have been in the Bahamas, I have found a positive aspect of the Bahamian educational program. A practical program teaching animal husbandry to a population that can well use it. When local families slaughter a hog, however, I am sure that they will use the traditional hammer to the head and then the knife to the heart method that has been used for centuries.

If our forefathers had had to comply with Humane Society regulations can you imagine the state of animal and livestock operations. Old fashion cattle drives would have been placed on a limited number of miles traveled a day, in order not to tire the cattle out. Chickens would not be able to be beheaded until they had been fed a last meal of their choice. Snaring rabbits or trapping animals would have required licenses. We would still be in the Dark Ages as far as meat procurement and preparation is concerned.

And where did the Humane Society get the authority to grant, ‘rights to companion animals’. I am assuming that they are specifically concerned about cats and dogs. Since I have a hard time visualizing a 170 pig as a companion animal, I don’t really think they should have the same rights. In fact, the only reason for raising a hog in the first place, is to kill it for food. They are not raised to take for a walk or to curl up on your lap to watch TV.

So, Humane Society, butt out! Mind your own business and quit harassing the school kids with your inappropriate ‘animal rights’. And three cheers for the Bahamian school system for offering some practical and useful programs for the kids who are not going to be offshore bankers and money launderers. Let’s hear it also for our two little pigs - Pork Chop and Pork Loin! May they marinate in peace!